You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
