I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
