I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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