Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
whose parrot is this?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
