this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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