I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
