My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Randomize
