Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
