So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
