I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
