Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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