Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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