Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it's like iHOP with fire
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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