Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
