a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
