I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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