I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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