tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
