dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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