take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
