I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
