Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Even my vagina gasped.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
