woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
