don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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