great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
