youre lurking in front of me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
