its not stalking. its research.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
