My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
