Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
