Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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