It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
it was like his penis was on wheels.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
