somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
