Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
