She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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