i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I am morally bankrupt
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
