Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
