I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
