I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
