i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
