Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
