I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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