Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
