Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
