I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
