im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
whose ass print is on the piano?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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