Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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