What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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