You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
