I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
