Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
